wholly strange and new

The challenge of Day 16, by Bridget Pilloud: Can you remember a moment in your life when you had life in yourself and it was wholly strange and new? [Can you remember the moment when you stopped walking a path of someone else, and started cutting your own? Write about that moment.]

Breathe. Inhale. Exhale. Be still. And go…take the leap. Announce your dream and go. Okay then…to those of you that read my post; this is an excerpt, a sort of beginning of what might become my first book. As I sit in front of my computer writing this I feel a sensation I have felt a few times in my life – a strange budding in my gut and an awkward sizzling in my head. What I am about to write was by far the most life changing experience and dark I ever had so far. Breath. Inhale. Exhale. Go.

Credit: James Mannan ©2006

“ Once upon a time there was a woman who fell out of her own story and had to beg for someone willing to help her conquer her fear.

She looked at the face staring back from the mirror. “You look exactly as I feel; old, worn out and cracked”, she said out loud and felt a peculiar rumbling within. The face staring back at her was totally covered with grey dust. She had tried to redecorate the entrance of her home for a while now, but pieces of the walls kept falling down. She looked back at the lifeless eyes and noticed a big nothingness around her. She lost sense of time, space and felt a peculiar heaviness. She just stood there looking at herself in the mirror. ”Who are you?” There it was again. The rumbling. She saw the dusty face open its mouth as if to scream. Nothing. She didn’t hear a sound. But the rumbling within her increased like a volcano. Then it happened. It got dark. A weightless nothing. An instant oblivion. A forced silence. Connection lost. Nothing. “

Personal note ~

I remember the moment I went insane. That was what I thought I did. I remember it as it was yesterday. That’s how powerful it was. When it happened, everything got dark. It was as if I shut down completely. The recalling is so clear even after many years. I remember I felt blank, void and life was meaningless, because I didn’t feel alive. I had felt that for a long time, without accepting I was in deep trouble. I had no connection at all with my emotions and intuition. I was out of words, feelings and stamina and lived totally through my repetitive negative thoughts. The very last thing of that moment I remember was that I saw myself in the mirror, opening my mouth, as if I was going to scream my heart out. But I have no clue what happened right after that. I still don’t know for how long I was “out”. It could have been five minutes or it could have been sixty. But when I “came” back it felt like an eternity. I sat crouching in a corner in my bathroom crying hysterically.

After what seemed like forever I got up, looked in the mirror and saw a face I didn’t recognised. A striped, twisted face. I saw a person in great need of help. I guess I saw myself as I was; totally lost.  By the grace of a greater force than myself, I somehow was able to call a doctor and ask for help. The doctor saw to it that I got a psychiatrist and treatment. After a year I felt better, but the emptiness was still there as if waiting to be filled with something other than anti depressive pills and cognitive behaviour treatment.

Today I realise that the experience was falling into the dark night of my soul or going into my inner desert. At first I was convinced that I was crazy, a loony that had lost it completely. And in retrospect it was actually true. I had lost it. But not my mind. What I lost was the connection to my soul. That’s a big difference. I had lost myself in translation. I began my toughest journey so far – the journey to my authentic self. And it had to go through the Grace of Reboot first.

But what comes down has to come up. I wanted to live, even if there were times I wanted to die. It was very frightening when it happened, but that was actually the moment with capitol M that was wholly strange and new. That was the moment I started to walk in new shoes. It was a moment with promises of a new life. And that walk has led me to where I am today. Here. Writing. I am here.

Breathe. Inhale. Exhale. Be still… WHOLLY STRANGE AND NEW.  

Comments on: "wholly strange and new" (12)

  1. Michi: …and once you find that you can write about it, gain perspective on it and from it, doesn’t it seem like one of the greatest gifts that you’ve ever given yourself?

    Only those who take that journey and “make it back alive” might understand what I mean by those words. In the very short time we’ve attracted each others attention, I believe that you probably understand what I mean.

    Honored to be in the presence of your grace.
    Rich

    • Rich,
      I absolutely understand. And thank you, it is a gift that is unfolding now.

      I don’t think every person is called to such a journey, even if I think that most people can experience dark night. But to lose “it” as I did, has changed me profoundly.

      I am honoured to be in yours.
      Namaste

  2. Dearest Michi…”You had me at ‘once upon a time'”! What a wonderful post. I have sensed a connection to you and never could totally understand. Now it has become perfectly clear. We have been on similar paths. This post resonates deeply with me. You express it so eloquently, but I understand the pain in your words. I am so thankful that our journeys have connected us…even if it is through our blogs. Your statement “What I lost was connection to my soul” is exactly what happened to me as a child. It has just taken me so much longer to ‘awaken’. But I truly feel it happening, as did you. This 30 day challenge has been such a wonderfully painful adventure for me. I have revealed more of myself ever before. The writing has made all the difference in the world. But what has made even a more monumental change in my soul has been people like you and Magda and Rich and Gary…I cannot think of all the names at this moment. If we never meet, if we never interact again, this experience has changed me for the better (I believe!I). And I will remember every moment; every comment and post that touched my spirit and led me farther along on my journey. Thank you so much for sharing this with me…with everyone. It is indeed an honor to have met you and to be a part of this ‘trust’. Take care.

    Peace, Nico

    • Nico, my soul fills up with awe. Thank you for this most heartfelt and loving comment. I return the gratitude to you for being part of my trust journey. Your own blog and prompts are one of the most wake-up-call writings I have read. You give these issues a voice. Thank you. The connections I have made here in this project have become such an important part of my life, in a much greater way than I imagined when I started. I feel very different today than I did only 17-18 days ago. Isn’t amazing, how we can change our self image in a very short time span?

      I hope that we keep contact even after this project ends. I would like to hear what is happening in your lives.

      In’Lakesh, Michi

  3. Wow Michi,

    I love this post! I love the openness and honesty with which you tell your story. I love the fact that you are using this troubling time in your life to your benefit today. You are truly extraordinary.

    Thank you so much.

    Rich

    • Thank you, Rich. We are all extraordinary. Every day I am amazed, honoured to read all of my #Trust30 friend writers’ posts.
      Btw, I love your email address. From just have started to read your post I can tell that you have exactly that type of heart.🙂

  4. […] is written by Anthony de Mello and is an accurate description of how I find myself since my ”blackout”; re-publishing the book of Me each day; and I will continue to do that for as long as I […]

  5. What a moving post!
    Sorry for the pain you’ve endured … pain is miserable.

    Happy that you found YOU again … by finding the connection to your soul.

    Processes like that take time … and can have many starts and restarts, but as long as you/we continue to seek, I think we will find.

    Isn’t it interesting how these writing prompts cause us to look at and write about things that we probably won’t do otherwise. Guess that’s part of the journey to having self-reliance🙂

    • Janet, I agree.
      I had no clue that I could write in such a way and to share it with people you haven’t met and yet feel so close to.
      It’s amazing. Thank you for being part of it. 🙂

  6. Michi,

    I love this post as well. I “lost it” once and was admitted into a psychiatric facility after a horrific alcohol binge…one of many. But the last one. I remember a feeling similar to the one you describe. I was released ion Christmas eve 4 years ago. I felt as though life had started at that very moment and that from that point on it, my life was going to be my creation.

    I’m glad you are part of this writing challenge and I’m glad you are so willing to share.

    All the best,

    Gary

    • Gary, I am glad that you are part of this too and sharing what you just did! Wow, what a journey.
      You are so right – our lives are our creations!

      xo, Michi

  7. […] most helpful post – Wholly strange and new (day […]

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