The challenge of Day 14, by Jonathan Fields: In this exercise, look at your current quest and ask, [“What alternative opportunities, interpretations and paths am I not seeing?” They’re always there, but you’ve got to choose to see them.]
The Asian wise man considers that a path is neither good nor bad. One can and must develop one’s potentialities. The first step is to thoroughly know oneself.
I am a seeker and what I find is important but it’s not a goal in itself. It’s a result of the search. Even more important is the questions I ask. It’s like I am called to go out on a quest to find truth and meaning. You know the old X-Files slogan: The truth is out there. That’s me. I believe that it is and I should say that ‘out there’ might as well be ‘in here’ (pointing to my heart).
I find new things every day, about myself and the world I live in and the people in it. I can see more of myself in a person I hardly know than in my children sometimes. And that’s so extraordinary to be able to do that. But however, some days I feel it’s like looking myself in the mirror when I hear my children talk, walk, laugh or being angry. But we are like snowflakes, similar and yet exquisitely unique. Still I’m amazed how little I actually deliberately process of what I find. Is that ignorance or is it some sorts of mindfulness, a word I’m kind of tired of these days btw?
Because I do register the breeze on my cheek, the neighbours talking, my restlessness because I want to be outside in the sun instead of completing my business duties, my somewhat stressed thoughts of what-are-we-going-to-eat-tonight, my arrogance when I find people being dorks, my aching lower back, the love that I feel in my heart, my secret envy of people I think getting things done and wow-when-did-these-love handles-put-themselves-around-me and so on.
And yet these always present thoughts pass through me and disappear back/up/forward/down into where? I don’t know. But they impact me anyway and yet at the end of the day they are not really important. But I think these types of thoughts. I think, I react and I perceive, all in the speed of light. It is said that a person has over 60,000 thoughts every day. And 90 % of these are the same as the ones you had yesterday and the day before, leaving little room for new thoughts. No wonder life can seem tedious at times. So am I that repetitive?
It’s like humans are capable of gigantic uploads and downloads of energetic exchanges in non-audible communication. That means a lot of same-shit-different-day thoughts are circling around in human psychic space. I have all this vast ocean of choices and opportunities in front of me, and yet I can only make one choice at a time. How do I discern what choice to make? How do I choose differently in this huge flow of sameness?
Sure I can say that I could have chosen to “pull myself together” and force myself through the experience of darkness. Who wants to stay in the dark for long?! But the choice I made was to not resist. I could say that I have the opportunity to not react as a meltdown when I deal with monetary parasites in my business, but I do and it takes a toll on me every time. I can choose to start going to the gym, since my body and my self-image need to feel and see myself much more athletic than I am. I can do all these things. And yet I have obviously chosen otherwise.
Do I bother? Yes, in terms of my love handles I bother. A lot, I want to look and feel physically good! The rest? No. I am what I am, a unique snowflake that realises in this very precise moment that I have surrendered to who I am. I have surrendered to where I find myself.
To really stretch myself in this prompt and try to see what I don’t see, in a state of absolute presence, I take a breath, sit still and listen. Then I hear a tiny frail whispering voice from within. It’s opportunity that points to another direction. I hear and slowly I see another way to look at things, another way to choose. So in this very moment I write this, I would have to say that the insignificance and emptiness I feel is just a chimera, but it’s part of my process, part of my personal search of what life is all about.
I didn’t see this before I sat down and wrote. I didn’t know this. I chose to see it. I chose to see the opportunity to see myself differently. There are two ‘musts’ in life – we must die and we must choose. The rest is pretty much choices. So what we have to remember is to stop and let the opportunities appear and make the choices show themselves so we can see what we don’t see and embrace what we think is not there – the power to change.
So I say to the transforming caterpillar I am; dear love you are called into a mystery and have to become a butterfly. You chose to answer that call. Own it. Persevere. You made the right choice.