afraid to do

The challenge of Day 9, by Mary Jaksch: [Emerson says: “Always do what you are afraid to do.” What is ‘too scary’ to write about? Try doing it now.]

There is one special memory I can’t write about. I can’t. One day maybe and then probably in a fictitious narrative, not through my own personal voice, it would have to be in third person. It’s still toxic. Why?

S . H . A . M . E

[while guilt is a painful feeling of regret and responsibility for one’s actions, shame is a painful feeling about oneself as a person.] 

It’s not guilt I feel, because I don’t regret my experiences. But shame is what has rooted itself in me as a vampire that comes and goes as it pleases, as I did the mistake to invite it into my soul in the first place.

One particular action I did was against everything I stood for and believed in. I succumbed. I caved. I violated an important part of me. I am afraid to write about that shame. Not of shame in general, but about that specific shame connected to a specific event. I am not afraid for my part but for the effect it would have on people who are the most precious to me. Enough said.

To always do what you are afraid of? Well, that doesn’t apply everywhere and/or always. Not in my mind or my heart. Period. If someone were afraid to die, I wouldn’t tell him or her to die to confront the fear. But metaphorically and symbolically to always do what you are afraid of, yes. If we fear to look at ourselves honestly, in the glory of our brilliance or in the shadow of our shortcomings, the bravest thing to do is to take one (well, probably continuously) hard good look at ourselves. But do it with compassion, because usually we don’t appreciate what we find. We get blinded by truth. I found shame and I am learning to accept myself for it and look at it straight-backed.

One day I hope to let go of that memory in a way that releases the shame. And when I do, it might very well be that this particular memory is best left unsaid. Maybe…or I might write a masterpiece about it.


Comments on: "afraid to do" (8)

  1. Micho, I am sorry you feel shame for something. I hope it is not ‘toxic’ to you. Have you ever read “Healing the Shame that Binds You”–older book by John Bradshaw. I do hope you can overcome your shame.
    Take care.
    Peace, Nico

  2. I am deeply moved by your poignant words. Thank you.
    You not only describe the difference between guilt and shame most perfectly, you describe how we have both ‘the brilliance of our glory and the shadow of our shortcomings’ – and how they both need equal acknowledgment.
    I can so relate to what you have shared here.
    Beautifully written.
    Again..thank you.

    • Maya, I am humbly grateful for your words.
      I find so fascinating how we, humans can relate and interconnect with each other and other living beings.
      And yet it can be so hard to express our true Self because of fear.

      Your comments mean very much to me. Thank you.
      xoxo, Michi

  3. Moving piece … that I will be reading a few more times.

    Good for you … for writing and posting this, I’ve been avoiding writing my response to this prompt … not sure what I want to write about.

    • Janet,
      thank you so much! It’s hard to write about stuff that you have been silent about for a very long time. And some things are best off that way. Silent.
      But even if I don’t write about, I am more aware by this prompt of it’s toll on me. xoxo, Michi

  4. AnnaMuse said:

    Loved the distinction between guilt and shame. Very well written.

    We ALL make mistakes, have regrets, inadvertently hurt people we love. But shaming and punishing yourself will not change the past.

    The best thing you can do for your loved ones and for yourself is let go of your shame, forgive yourself and proceed whole and happy into the future. Your heathy, shining soul will be a gift to everyone you know.

    • AnnaMuse, thank you. I am working on it. I think this prompt was a hard one to write. But I am a work in progress! xoxo, Michi

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